Coronation Special: The Royal Family as Programming Languages



Whether it’s the Koh-I-Noor diamond or pieces of the True Cross, there is no family quite as object-oriented as the Windsors. Despite not being the most functional, Britain’s royals have over the years provided us with arrays of gossip-leading storylines, terabytes of tantalising narrative threads, and often had us querying their sanity.


In giddy, bunting-festooned anticipation of the coronation of King Charles III, welcome to the monarchy’s most modernising feature yet: Oho Group’s guide to the Royal Family as programming languages. 


Queen Elizabeth II - COBOL. The people’s favourite for decades, she is now, sadly, no more. However, her legacy lives on, having left an indelible mark on our oldest institutions.


King Charles III - Fortran. He’s been around for an eternity, but his time has finally come. Now that he’s taking centre stage, is he actually just a bit too old for it?


Camilla, Queen Consort - Ruby. Always crops up in discussions of precious stones. As the influential woman behind the throne, many would say she’s writing the script.


William, Prince of Wales and Duke of Cambridge - ​​CPL (Cambridge Programming Language). 


Kate, Princess of Wales and Duchess of Cambridge - JavaScript. Having begun as something of a commoner, she now puts in appearances pretty much everywhere. 


Anne, Princess Royal - Haskell. Close family connections to English rugby players.


Prince Edward, Duke of Edinburgh - Kubernetes. No-one really knows what he does, but there’s an unspoken understanding that he’s quietly holding the whole thing together. Having served in the Marines, he’s familiar with Dockers.


Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex - VBA. A hero to some; despised by others.

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex - Pony. This actor/model is, according to her critics, a little unstable. Has the potential to modernise the institution, but hasn’t been accepted by the establishment.


Find out how Oho’s offering could surprise and delight you here.

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