England players as coding languages

5 mins

England players as coding languages

Jordan Pickford: Binary. Sticks to ones and zeros

Kyle Walker: Swift. That guy is mobile

Harry Maguire: C#. Plays for a massive club that many love to hate, but underpins pretty much everything the team does

John Stones: Java. At their respective clubs, Maguire’s biggest rival. Does a pretty similar job to him, although (some would argue) not quite as well

Luke Shaw: F#. Same club as Maguire, but a more dynamic, adventurous approach

Declan Rice: Perl. You won’t notice him, or really appreciate his work. But trust us, he’s doing important stuff behind the scenes

Kalvin Phillips: Python. The engine room of the team, pops up all over the pitch, tackles pretty much everything

Bukayo Saka: Javascript. When the team’s moving and looking good, he’s probably had something to do with it

Mason Mount: PHP/Ruby. Versatile and, on his day, really useful. A good learner, and popular in the trendier parts of London

Raheem Sterling: Scala. He’s been around a while but always seems to need to prove his worth. Suddenly, though, everyone’s jumping on the bandwagon

Harry Kane: C++. Has reinvented himself a few times. Despite his detractors, unparalleled reliability



Jack Grealish: HTML. The people’s favourite, everyone knows him, and he’s all about appearances

Jordan Henderson: C. The old-timer who brings everyone else together. Even if he’s not directly involved, great lad to have around the camp

Phil Foden: Go. Developed by a global institution with almost infinite resources, many believe he’s the future

Kieran Trippier: Flutter. Bilingual, can play on either side, a delivery expert

Marcus Rashford: Blockchain. If you’re sceptical of centralised government, he’s your man

Jadon Sancho: R. Rapidly becoming a household name, already a favourite with the analysts

Jude Bellingham: Elm. Let’s be honest, not many of you had heard of him a year ago, but undoubtedly the next generation

Tyrone Mings: Visual Basic. Solid performer and he does a job, but you’d definitely rather have Maguire

Reece James: Objective-C. Quality player but, again, no-one’s picking him over Kyle Walker

DCL: SQL. Great at what he does, but a little one-dimensional. Football has arguably moved on from his style of play

Aaron Ramsdale, Sam Johnstone, Connor Coady, Ben Chilwell, Ben White: MATLAB. Making up the numbers



Gareth Southgate: Fortran. Many thought he was finished in the 1990s, but his popularity has surged in recent years

  • info@oho.co.uk
  • 020 7622 6244
  • Tintagel House, 92 Albert Embankment, London SE1 7TY
Oho Group ltd.
Site by Venn